Sometimes you hear about people that are "prison gay". That is, people who are not actually homosexual, but are forced into a position where they have no heterosexual prospects, and more or less decide that their needs have to be met somehow, so they'll take what they can get. This isn't, of course, true homosexuality ("I guess you'll have to do" does not equate to attraction); nor is it limited purely to prisons. It's fairly common in any setting where populations of one sex are either completely segregated from or vastly outnumber another; China reportedly has quite a bit of this sort of thing due to incredibly unbalanced male-to-female ratios.
Well, I'm prison asexual.
I am in NO way asexual by nature; I am, in fact, an intensely sexual being with a very active libido. Sexuality is very important to me, and I could never remove it from my life entirely and be completely happy or fulfilled. I've never understood how people could take vows of celibacy. The way I see it, why not just commit suicide, haha? Even an existence of total intellectual, metaphysical, and emotional stimulation and fulfillment would not be enough. It'd be like leaving a wall out of a house because, really, you only need three walls to hold the roof up.
But here I am.
To explain, you have to understand something: I am an atheist. I'm not agnostic, I'm not undecided. I'm not sitting on any fences. I don't believe in any kind of deity or higher power or any such silliness*.
And Rexburg, Idaho is an extremely religious city. This town was founded by Mormons and has mostly remained Mormon. It also has a great number of very attractive women, and I don't pay a damn bit of romantic or sexual attention to any of them.
And from there, it's a matter of simple statistics: Take the female population of Rexburg. Remove those who are out of my age range. Divide the remaining number by my personal standards of physical attraction and remove those who aren't my type. Filter those left who would be intellectually and emotionally suitable matches for my personality. At this point, we're already left with a pretty small percentage of the number we began with. But we're not done. From these, subtract individuals who believe in God and those who are proponents of abstinence until marriage (a concept which I find ludicrously unwise, but that's a rant for another day), and you are left with zero.
You could take the most gorgeous girl in the world and set her down in front of me, and I won't even notice her looks here. It's ridiculous. And as flippant as I'm being about it, it's FRUSTRATING.
I'm not good at being single. I never have been. I'm the kind of person who thrives in relationships, and I vastly prefer to be in them. I have worked long and hard to reach the point where I can be a complete person as an individual. You have to love yourself before you can love another, and all that. But still, it gets lonely. I'm struggling to be able to pay my bills and trying to carve out a place for myself in the world. Having to do it all alone is kind of discouraging; having to do it in a town like little Rexburg, Idaho even more so.
Anyone reading this blog probably knows me, but here's how it goes: I'm a freakishly tall, thin guy with long hair and a goatee. Anywhere else, the only thing that would garner notice would be the height, but here, it's very unusual for a guy to have long hair or any kind of facial hair (well, with the exception of eyebrows; they haven't started regulating those... yet) due to BYU Idaho's weird standards for that sort of thing, so I tend to get one of two reactions: "Oh, that's interesting" or "IS THAT A SKINNY VIKING I SEE!? ARE WE BEING INVADED BY REEDY, BESPECTACLED MARAUDERS FROM THE FROZEN NORTH LANDS!?"
Well, I have also occasionally been mistaken for Jesus by small children who loudly announce their momentous sighting of their lord and savior to their mothers in supermarkets. So I suppose I get three reactions.
In any case, I don't really mind any of the reactions, but one way or another, I'm always sorted into the box marked 'Other' around here without even speaking. Other traits that are uncommon relative to my location, including my atheism, my geekiness, my political leanings, etc. just further trim social opportunities. I'm proud of all those things about myself, don't get me wrong; I'm very comfortable with myself and my worldview, but the simple fact is that I'm a square peg, hammered into a round hole by a determined and industrious child not overly burdened with intellect. There are places where I would fit, but first I have to extricate myself from here, and some days it just feels impossible. I'll wake up and lay in bed for a while, not moving, trying to convince myself that there's some reason to get up and keep trying. I don't have any forward momentum right now, and I'm fighting against my own inertia to try to build some up. Sooner or later I'll manage to lever myself out of here (hopefully with a satisfying "pop"), and with luck, launch myself somewhere I'll fit in a little more. Anywhere but here.
I know that in the meantime I can be working on improving myself. I'm well aware that I have a fully stocked shelf of shortcomings just like anybody else. But it's so hard to focus on those problems when I feel so trapped and out of place. This town is incredibly claustrophobic for me. Some of the only bright spots in this town are my friends. The ones who've stuck with me through everything. Guys like my friend Kris and Fuzzy Blogic's very own Bryce (Camden too, though he's something like 6000 miles away at the moment) are and always will be my brothers, and I will always love the hell out of them, and their company is always comforting and helps me maintain a firm grip on my sanity. I suppose if I'm stuck for now in a place I hate, at least I can be in good company until I find a way out.
* My opinions are exactly that: my opinions. I mean no offense if you believe otherwise, which you probably do; and I would be the first to stand up for your right to hold those opinions.
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